If i only knew you
by marinaandthedorks
Summary: Sansan story. Begins at Blackwater. Spoilers left up to a feast for crows.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Your eyes. I know your eyes. As they haunted me while i got burst and broken. As they leaded me when i was lost. As they woke me up from my dream. But you knew. You knew my dream was nothing more than a sweet, pure and heartbreaking nightmare.

Your smell. I know this smell. However, i never knew you wouldve gone this far. Your smell is mixed with the scent of sickness and memories.

I know your smell. It is the smell that would come and haunt me as i knew you would approach. I wanted to hide when you would, but i couldn't. My feet would freeze to the ground and i would watch you appear to me.

Your voice. I know this voice. The voice that broke my daydreams into pieces. The voice that would get me back to the reality. The voice that would help me when i needed help.

But your voice is somehow different. Your voice.. is so full of _hate. _

Why are you always so hatefull?


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Blood. The first thing he smelled when he went up here. Fire. The second thing he noticed.

He tried to breath steady, but his fear would take him over as he watched his men burn by wildfire. ''Holy fuck..''

He tried to breath trough all the smoke that was surrounding him. He heard himself cough when he walked back to the citygates. The only thing he wanted right now was wine. Wine and silence.

Guards where surrounding him, yet he payed no attention as he walked trough the gates. He could see men run to the battleground. He also saw men left to die alone, bleeding and screaming their last words or prayers. But yet he still didn't pay any attention.

He wanted to run to the castle. But he didnt know where he could hide or drink wine in silence. Some sick thought would cross over his mind, but he was able to control himself.

''Someone bring me a drink,'' he rasped as he watched knights preparing for battle.

A boy gave him a flacon. He took it and brought it to his lips.

He spit out the liquid. ''Fuck the water, bring me whine.'' He yelled angry.

He got another flacon. He drank.

He walked his way to the castle as he heard a familiar voice.

'Can i get you some iced milk? And a nice bowl of raspberries too?' He heard the imp say with a mocking tone.

'Eat shit dwarf,' he replied, feeling furious.

He did not want a word from him, neither from his _king._

The only thing he want..

''Your on the wrong side off the wall!'

The imp got him back to his senses.

'I lost half my men,' he explained somehow with a scaring flashback to the situation behind the citygates.

'The blackwater is on _fire_.'

His king looked furious yet scared.

'Dog, i command you to go back out there and fight!' He heard him yell.

'You're a kingsguard, Clegane.' He heard the imp mutter.

'You must _beat_ them back or they're going to take this city. Your _king's_ city.'

He was lost in thoughts. What could he possibly say? Yes, he indeed took the oath, but his mind was racing. Full of memories. Full of flashbacks from what was out there.

'Fuck the kingsguard,' he slowly muttered.

The imp looked at him with a disturbing glance.

'Fuck the city..'

He saw men looking at him, open-eyed.

'Fuck the king.' He rasped. He saw his king looking somehow scared because of the decision he made. How could he fight if his most experienced and furious warrior didn't fight?

But he walked away, not caring about that.

No, the thing he wanted was hidden inside.


	3. Chapter 2

_**Hey guys, just wanted to let you know, this is my first English story, so if you see any grammar mistakes or something else, feel free to let me know (in a nice way ofcourse)**_

_**Or even if you have some tips or something, just say so.**_

_**I am Dutch and i always have been a writer, but to add a little more challenge i wanted to create an English story **__** so yeah**_

_**And sorry for not writing a new chapter! Im trying to write/upload new chapters at Mondays, from now on.**_

**Chapter 2**

The more steps she took, the more nervous she felt.

She wanted to walk faster, but her shoulders felt heavier then ever.

Shae had said to Sansa to run, lock herself up in her golden cage.

_But is my cage that much better than staying with the woman who are feared, just like me?_

She tried to alternate between walking and running, not wanting to generate the attention to her.

But then again, she thought, who would even get my attention? Who could even notice me, running here? It did not matter if she run or walked. The men who usually watching me, are fighting outside. And probably the half of them will die tonight.

She reached the last stairs up to her room. She opened the door, breathing heavily. She felt afraid. She never thought she would feel this way._ I wish i could escape_, she thought. But how could i even?

_I'd be dead in a minute. I can't do that to my lady mother. She already lost her man._

_I already lost my father. I already lost everything i ever loved. I dont even know if Bran, Rickon or Arya are still alive._

She only knew Arya fleed. But where could she possibly go to?

She knew; Arya was brave enough to survive. But could she possibly be strong enough? _Smart enough?_

But she pushed the thoughts away. She stepped into her room. She remembered how excited she once was, coming to Kingslanding, to get married with Joffrey. But she did not know it would end this wa_y. My dream of spring, summer and fairytales were nothing more than lies._ And yet someone tried to warn me, she thought, thinking of Sandor Clegane and his angry look and his burned face. She shivered.

As silent as she could, she closed the door, and locked it right away. Turning around to the door, she tried to recatch her heartbeat and breath. Then she grabbed a lantarn, not caring where she took it from. But when she did, her eyes fell on the doll that her dad had given to her one day.

_The day i was mad at him_, Sansa thought despitefull as she picked it up. She smiled a little, thinking about her father's face and smile. But the memory seemed already ages ago. It felt like it was in another life. _One that was better than this one._

'The little bird got scared?' a rasping voice said, in the sudden. Sansa felt het heart beating, turning around immediately.

She saw the hound, sitting at the edge of her bed.

_He is drunk_, she realised. More drunk than she ever saw him.

Sansa was suprised. She didn't know what to say. Why did he even come here? At all the places in Kingslanding, her room?

'What are you doing here?' she asked. She heard her voice cracking down.

'Not staying for long. I'm going.' He rasped. She thought in disbelief. They would hang him, she thought. But why do i care? Why do i even have sympathy with the kings dog?

But he was the nicest of them all. Cruel sometimes, but nice. He made her wake up from her fairytale daydream, that turned out to be her worst nightmare.

'Where?' she asked. But she wanted to punch herself, realising she sounded stupid.

'North. Might be, could be.' He explained to her. He stood up now, walking towards her in gently steps. Sansa felt nervous.

'I can take you with me. Take you to Winterfell. They won't hurt you, because they're all afraid of me.'

Sansa felt relieved but nervous at the same time by his words.

_But i will never get this chance again. The seven heard my prayers and send me my savior. I shouldn't question them. Or judge them either._

'Do you want to go home?' he continued, looking at her eyes. He was very close now. Sansa wanted to say it was inappropiate to be this close, but she didn't.

_If i'm going to complain already, he will never take me home._

'Yes,' so she spoke. 'Yes, i do want to go home.'

She saw his face. It looked like he didnt believe her. His face twitched. Somehow the look in his eyes changed.

Sansa looked away.

'Pack your most important stuff,' he said, a little too loud. 'And some warm clothes too. We're going North. A dog always keeps his promises.'


	4. Chapter 3

**Couldn't do without the help of the amazing AngelOfDeath6 ! 333**

**Chapter 3**

Sansa picked out her most important belongings with shaking hands and packed them away quickly. She left her room with one last lingering gaze.

_I'm finally free_ she thought. _No more golden cages._

The Hound was waiting outside her room, he gave her a short nod and sighed.

'Are you ready?' he asked. Sansa nodded.

'Good. Stay close behind me, whatever happens.'

So Sansa hid behind him. Which wasn't very hard; he was almost a giant, while she was small and thin.

They slowly made their way down to the stables.

They were half way to the stables when they heard men screaming. Sansa shivered at the sound.

_What if they find us?_ she thought nervously. _The Hound is probably still drunk. What if he can't defend us? What if they catch us?_

Sansa tried to push away the horrible thoughts of what would happen to them if they were caught.

When they finally reached the stables through the smoke, Sandor went inside to fetch his war horse, leaving Sansa for a moment.

'You'll be sitting in front of me. Take up your hood and don't say a word. And don't try to move too much.' He instructed, lifting Sansa up by her waist and making her blush as she realised no one aside from her brother or father did that.

When Sandor too got on the horse, they rode away, leaving the Red Keep behind. Along with all of the horrible memories that lay within it.

_Will I ever see Joffrey again?_ She wondered, as they rode towards the gates.

_Best not to think about that, Sansa._ she told herself. _Think about what lays before us. Think about being free again and to stand wherever you want. _

But then it occurred to her that she couldn't. They would search for her. And when they did, they would likely notice that the Hound was gone too.


	5. Chapter 4

**Hey everyone! Thanks for all the feedback and positive reactions :) Makes me really happy.**

**Its kinda hard though to write good while English isn't my first language, so that the reason why its a little superficial haha. I also don't exactly know what to do with the story yet (im actually really busy, creating ideas for my modern Sansan fanfic because i have a lot of cool ideas for that one) , so im just gonna play around a little bit.**

**If you have any suggestions, feel free to PM me! I hope in the meantime, you will enjoy the chapters as much as i write them**.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

She must have fallen asleep, because the next time she became aware of her surroundings, she found that the sky had turned dark and stars decorated the sky.

Sansa rubbed her eyes, trying to focus on what was going on and figure out what happened the day before.

She then realized that she was lying down under a blanket and a fire was burning nearby.

_How long did I sleep? _She wondered as she gazed around into the darkness

Then she remembered the long ride and became acutely aware of the pain in her legs.

She tried to stand up and walk but her legs were unsteady, wobbling and aching badly.

Just as her legs were about to give out underneath her, a strong arm grabbed her around the waist and held her steady. Sansa turned around in surprise, staring into the face of the hound and shivered.

'Best not to walk, little bird. Let your legs rest this night. Tomorrow we need to ride again, and long.'

He helped her to sit down again before moving over to the fire and taking a seat on a log. He picked up a rabbit and began to skin it.

'Where are we?' Sansa asked curiously. She moved a little closer to the fire, since she was freezing.

The Hound looked at her for a moment before replying.

'Do you care? We are far from Kings Landing, so best not to worry about that.' He answered, returning his attention to the half skinned rabbit.

Sansa stared at the fire for a moment, feeling uncomfortable. It felt strange, travelling with him, while they didn't know each other very well. But what could she possibly say to start another conversation?

She was scared he would yell at her and tell her to stop being so stupid. So she remained silent, watching him skin another rabbit.

After they ate dinner, the two rabbits that Sandor skinned and cleaned earlier, Sansa laid down under the blanket. She stared at the stars, wondering where her family was and what they would do. She thought about Jon who was on the wall. But mostly she thought of Arya, who had fled Kings landing long ago. _Was she still alive?_

Sansa tried to count the stars and started humming. She didn't know what song, but she didn't care. The only thing she wanted was to clear her mind.

Sandor turned to look at her. 'Shut up!' He growled. And Sansa did, fearing his wrath.

About an hour later, Sansa was still awake. She lifted her head to see if Sandor was awake too, but was shocked to find that he was not there.

_Did he leave me?_

But just as she was about to get up, he returned and lay down again.

He started cursing and swearing and Sansa wanted to ask what was wrong, but she couldn't. _What if he gets angry again?_

When she was sure he was asleep, Sansa got to her feet and walked through the woods until she found a quiet place. It was a little lake, decorated with beautiful flowers. She heard the frogs sing and smiled. She watched her reflection in the water and saw how dirty she was, so she washed her face.

Then, she watched the sky again and suddenly thought about her family.

She started singing;

_Gentle Mother, font of mercy,_

_Save our sons from war, we pray._

_Stay the swords and stay the arrows,_

_Let them know a better day._

_Gentle Mother, strength of women,_

_Help our daughters through this fray._

_Soothe the wrath and tame the fury,_

_Teach us all a kinder way._

_Gentle Mother, font of mercy,_

_Save our sons from war, we pray._

_Stay the swords and stay the arrows,_

_Let them know a better day._

She tried to lower her voice as much as possible, but her beautiful tone even woke a bird in a nearby tree who sung with her.

When she was done, she smiled, feeling a little better.

But then she turned around and saw him looking at her.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Sansa was mortified. _How long had he been watching her?_

He stared at her, an almost calm look on his face. But then his face began to twitch.

'Didn't I tell you to shut up?' He snapped

Sansa looked at her hands for a moment before standing up.

'I just wanted to,-'

'Don't you understand we can get killed if they find us?!'

She walked towards him slowly. His angry eyes bored into hers but she ignored the look.

'I just miss my family.' She admitted, staring at her feet.

She heard him growl something under his breath before walking away in the direction of their camp.

Sansa felt ashamed. But on the other hand, what had she done wrong?

_You sang, you fool. They could've heard you. Some outlaw could have gotten you. You could have been raped._

She pushed away the heavy thoughts and walked towards their camp. The hound was already back in his spot, snoring loudly.

Sansa also lay down, trying to get some sleep. But instead she had nightmares; she dreamed of her father's murder.

They spent almost a week travelling, practically living in the woods. They had to take the shortest route, but also the safest.

There was a constant tension between Sandor and Sansa through their travels. They only spoke when it was strictly necessary. Sansa often felt like crying, but she didn't want him to see it. She felt very lonely, thinking of her brothers and sister. She wanted to hug her parents again and sleep in her own safe bed. But every night when she dreamed of Winterfell, she woke up feeling filthy and laying on the uncomfortable ground.

Sometimes, Sansa felt as if they were going the wrong way. _Has he taken me hostage?_

It seemed like they were going South instead of North, so one day when they took another direction, Sansa gathered all of her courage.

'Why are we going South?' she asked, feeling unsure of his reaction.

Sandor grumbled in annoyance behind her.

'So you caught me huh?' He grinned.

That night, when Sandor was off hunting, Sansa allowed herself to cry. She wanted to run away.

_He only took me to ransom me for money _she thought, sobbing.

_He's a liar. But how could he be? He saved my life once. He was even kind to me in Kings Landing._

But she couldn't stop sobbing. Not only at her speculations of Sandor keeping her hostage, but also because she missed home. She missed Winterfell desperately. _And she missed her beloved Lady._

_I have to be strong for them._ She told herself while she tried to control her breathing. But she couldn't. Instead she kept on crying and moaning.

She heard someone approach and tried to calm down. She realised it was Sandor, who looked angry at her. He grabbed her arms.

'Shut your damn mouth! Everyone can hear you!' He yelled.

_He never sympathizes with me, he still thinks I'm a silly little girl._

He gave her one last angry look and walked away to set up a fire. Sansa finally regained control of her emotions.

_I need to escape from him. But how am I going to survive?_

_If he indeed keeps me hostage and wants to ransom me in Kings Landing to the queen, how can I make him take me to Winterfell?_

_Tears aren't a woman's only weapon. The best one's between your legs_ she could almost hear Cersei's voice speaking to her.

She stood up shakily and walked towards Sandor, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Yet she tried to look grown-up and seducing.

She knelt before him with a sigh and started undressing, revealing her bare shoulders to him.

Sandor looked up at her, annoyed. But when he saw what she was doing, the look on his face changed instantly, he almost seemed to become shy.

'Little bird..'

He reached out for her, stopping her hands from continuing to undress her. He pulled up the dress so she was covered again.

'What in the name of the seven are you doing?' he rasped, looking at her in disbelief.

Sansa stared down at her hands.

'I,-' she swallowed. What could she possibly say?

'Convincing you to bring me home to Winterfell.' She explained, tilting her head up to look at him. He looked at her in shock.

'What the hell do you think we're been doing?' he asked calmly. 'Where did you think we were going?'

'Kings Landing,' Sansa confessed, feeling ashamed.

Sandor seemed to get angry again, but remained silent.

'Did you really think I would do that? I made a promise, and I keep my promises.'

Sansa felt like crying.

'I'm so sorry,' she said.

'Go to sleep little bird,' Sandor sighed, laying back down.

Sansa looked at the stars, trying to keep the conversation going.

'Why are you always hateful towards me?'

She was shocked when she heard herself saying that. Sandor looked up at her.

'I'm protective, not hateful.' He replied, looking at the stars with her.

Sansa wanted to smile, but she couldn't find the strength, no matter how hard she tried.

So she lay down, leaving a modest amount of space between them.

It seemed to be after midnight but Sansa was still awake. She couldn't get to sleep, no matter how she tried.

_Is Sandor asleep?_ She wondered, slowly turning over to face him.

He was looking at the sky, just like she did. _Why wasn't he sleeping?_

When he realised she was looking at him, he turned around.

'Can't sleep?' he asked.

Sansa nodded and he turned his attention to the sky again. The good side of his face was to her. He looked calm without his scars. Almost gentle.

'Do you want me to sing?' she asked softly.

He looked at her for a moment and she smiled.

He ignored the question and looked at the sky once again.

Sansa sighed.

_Gentle Mother, font of mercy,_

_Save our sons from war, we pray._

_Stay the swords and stay the arrows,_

_Let them know a better day._

_Gentle Mother, strength of women,_

_Help our daughters through this fray._

_Soothe the wrath and tame the fury,_

_Teach us all a kinder way._

_Gentle Mother, font of mercy,_

_Save our sons from war, we pray._

_Stay the swords and stay the arrows,_

_Let them know a better day._

She didn't know why she sang the Mother's Hymn again, but it came to her instantly. Her voice sounded prettier than the last time she sang it and Sandor stopped her.

He listened lay there, quietly listening to her, his fast breath became calmer when she sang and he looked peaceful as he gazed at the sky.

In the light of the moon, Sansa swore she saw a tear sliding along his cheek.


End file.
